Sunday, 9 April 2017

Ruffled Feathers

"Attention!" A line of longbow pawns snapped to attention, white, birch longbows contrasting with their smooth, black dimensions. A lone rook patrolled the stiff pawns, looking carefully at them. 

"Birds!!" he yelled. The pawns jumped. Further down the line, a flaming arrow shot up into the damp night air: a pawn had fired his bow in surprise.

The rook finished its last look at the army. He alerted the Queen, the combat specialist, and the King. The King arrived at the place where the pawns, bishops, the rooks, and the knights were positioned. "All the troops are assembled, we shall being the attack. Chronometers OUT!" the King yelled. His magically magnified voice  There a massive shift of movement as over 3 million chess pieces took out tiny, silver necklaces with oblong pendants attached to them. "Anchors OUT!" 3 million chess pieces took out small globes of glass, and stood on them.

Then, they all pushed a minuscule pin to the side of the pendant.

7 minutes later...

The Chessian Army materialized into a large, underground room. The whole army was positioned perfectly, each of them standing on top of the glass globes they had taken out 7 minutes earlier. The King gestured, and the army moved. 3 miles above them, an ostrich slept peacefully, head on a clean, sandy dune. Then, all hell broke loose when the first couple thousand of pawns emerged from the ground.

They fired in unison at the ostrich, drawing bows in fluid, trained military precision. Several meters before they hit the ostrich, they disintegrated into feathers and drifted down to the ostrich and blanketed it with feathers.

There was a slight disturbance in the feather pile.

 Then, instead of an ostrich that rose up, a tall, old man in faded purple robes stood. He looked at the oncoming army serenely, and then shot a few bowls of porridge at them.

"Whoops, wrong spell."

Lighting bolts appeared out of nowhere, making it seem like a god got bored and decided to smite the Chessian Army.

The man raised his hand and the chess pieces flew out, into the surrounding ocean. 

The Chessian Army charged.

"Oh. That's a problem."

The man disappeared. Three seconds later, he reappeared in front of the King and slapped him in the face. Then he disappeared again. The Army was in disarray, and many of the troops dropped their weapons and used their chronometers to get out of the battlefield, which, I have to say, is a fine idea considering the ostrich was coming back to kill them. The King used his superior power to call the army back from the fabric of time to the battlefield. He ordered them to stand, and stay there motionless. He examined all of them thoroughly, causing 20 minutes of extreme discomfort for the rest of the army. Rooks, knights, and pawns all felt the annoyed aura of the King.

Then a rook sneezed.

And where the rook was standing, a large ostrich appeared. It uttered a nonsensical sound of utter surprise, (Well I'm royally screwed) then it slinked it's way into the air like an otter. The otter moved the air like a hot knife through butter, although it could probably cut through a knife with hot butter. The Army was enraged. Not only had this elusive wizard-shit dude evaded all their tactics and advanced time travel and teleportation maneuvering movements, it had humiliated them quite enough. The king decided to enter the field of battle himself, to finally take out the idiotic dingus of a large, flightless bird. The otter was now around 80 feet in the air, still rising upward. The King began to hover in the air, and thus began the slowest chase in the history of chases. The otter turned into an ostrich and began flapping its wings, breaking more laws of physics. Due to this insane rule-breaking, the universe was in danger of imploding. The following years, the King continued chasing Sneeziayl throughout the universe, breaking more physical rules and sprouting the inspiration for Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon's Rick and Morty.

So, don't try to capture one of the greatest wizards in the world, you'll only embarrass yourself, waste time, be an absolute and singular dingus, and trigger people across the world when they wake up to a full scale wizarding battle in their front lawn.